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Archive for the ‘Humor’ Category

The Bollywood conundrum

I love movies. Like most Indians, I grew up on a staple diet of Hindi films. Later when I diversified, for nutritional benefits, I realized that there are some things that only happen in Bollywood movies.
Of course some of the following have exceptions, which rule doesn’t?
Here are 19 things, feel free to add your own
  • Rule of the bathing girls: Even in utmost privacy, all the girls in the movie will bathe with their torso wrapped, from shoulder to knees in a saree or a towel. Soap will be applied only on the exposed parts and a shampoo shall never be used.
  • Mystery of the abandoned hut: How many times have you seen this, the hero and heroine are lost in a jungle on a stormy night. They are running helter skelter. Lo and behold, a hut, in decent working condition, appears. Which is always empty. Unless one of them is injured, in this case, there is generally, a blind guy there to help them or if the romance has not yet blossomed, then the hut would be occupied by some evil guys who will try to jump the heroine. The hero will save her. Their love will blossom.
  • Sacrificing the fiance at the altar: The ‘twist’ in the story goes like this, the guy/girl realises, on the ‘mandap’, right before the ‘pheras’, that the heroine/hero is in love with someone else. They then proceed to sacrifice their love. This act also distinguises the side hero from the villain/villain’s kid.
  • Rapists have an upper arm fetish: Since time immemorial the bollywood rape algorithm has been
step 1: Tear the blouse/top at the left(mostly) upper arm.
step 2: Try to kiss the chin/neck while the victim swings her head furiously.
step 3: Repeat step 2 until the hero comes
Of course if the victim is hero’s sister then the attacker will manage step 2 and the attempt will be deemed succesful.
Being the hero’s sister is, without a doubt, the most hazardous job for a girl.
  • The floating dance troupe: The hero (sometimes the heroine) decides to woo the girl (guy) of their dreams by singing them an impromptu number and doing some nifty aerobic moves. A random group of dancers materializes, at the exact moment with the exact moves, to backup our guy (gal). They also seem to know the lyrics of the song.
  • Hurricane temple: Whenever the lead character goes to the temple, under intense duress, mighty winds blow. The strength of the winds is directly proportional to the distress of the said character. These temple visits invarialby end up producing a miracle. The occurance of the miracle is signalled, to the clueless viewer, by either a flower falling in the characters semi-folded palms or by automatic ringing of the temple bells.
  • Bullet resistance: The villain either dies of a single gun shot or comes to life after being shot so that other characters get a chance to shoot him to show their loyalty to the hero. No one ever checks if the villain has actually died the first time around nor does any one deem it necessary to remove the guns lying around injured bad guys before going to the hugging and crying mode.
The hero on the other hand can take an entire clip of bullets and still manage to punch and kick until the bad guy is downed. After which he immediately collapse and comes to only when the heroine/mother takes his head                             in her lap.
  • Master of disguises: All that is required to hide ones identity, completely, is some highlighting in the hair and either a fake mustache or sunglasses. The best way to reveal the identity to a confidant and make them aware, telepathically, of the whole plan is to pull down the glasses slightly or pull out the moustache a bit and wink. This immideately makes them aware of your identity and the complete rescue plan, down to the minor details. Of course everyone else is, still, completely unaware.
  • The dying undying love: What is the best way to prove one’s undying love? Bollywood offers a few suggestions. Drink poison, it should be from a small bottle with “poison” written across in a large font. Jump from a cliff/tall building. Slit your arms or engrave the person in question’s name on yourself. Guys have one more option, get beaten by a group of thugs and don’t fight back until the heroine says “I love you”. Of course all injuries caused by the said methods shall be cured with a song.
  • Homing photo: If the heroine is being married to someone else and her father is unaware of her past romantic liasons, a photo of the heroine with her loved one, in a telling position, will end up in the father’s hand right before the binding marriage rituals.
  • Animals are smarter than people: If the lead characters have a pet, it will have an IQ greater than all the villain’s henchmen put together. They will have an acute awareness of the goings on and will always know how to help.
  • Dream songs: Let’s be honest here, if they picturise actual dreams, it will be mighty difficult to get a censor certificate. What I can not understand, though, is if the hero/heroine can write such lyrics and compose such tunes in their dreams why are they still poor?
  • Love/Hate at first sight: The first time the hero and heroine lay eyes on each other they either fall madly in love or become mad with hate. Bollywood does not have a concept of gradual love. Perhaps it is difficult to cram it in the 3 hours.
  • Whose kid is this anyway: If either the hero or the heroine is seen with a child, its not theirs. If, on rare occasion, it is theirs then the spouse is invariably dead.
  • Choices for love: If one of the lead characters is from a rich and powerful family, their love interest will either be from a very poor family or from a family with whom they have a feud since generations.
  • Fight bang with a bang: If someone gets an amnesia due to head injury the best way to fix them is by giving them another head injury. Rinse and repeat.
  • No one ever blocks a punch: In a bollywood fight, no matter how slowly the punch is thrown, no matter how much back lift it has, the punch will always land on the target. Blocking/Ducking is for sissies.
  • Platonic romance: If the guy and the gal are best friends then they will inevitably fall in love but they will only realise this at the end of the movie. All those tight full body hugs, late drunk nights etc. evoke no emotions whatsoever.
  • Car trouble no trouble: If a car breaks down in a movie, it can invariably be fixed by putting some water in the radiator. All the cars/jeeps always have a can present when the said breakdown happens.
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